What would Frankenstein drive?

I wondered the other day what new car comes closest in design and engineering that epitomizes the automotive equivalent of Frankenstein. A little of this and a little of that and don't forget to raid the parts bin... presto, a new car! I believe it has always been in the back of my mind that the Chrysler Sebring would walk away with top honors, although the new Honda Crosstour is a nearby second.

The Sebring has been roundly trashed by most car critics for embracing every styling cliche not only within the Chrysler genetic family, but also generically available on other contemporary cars that cued up for the latest trend in sheet metal bending (remember the "Bangle-Butt").

First up, the Sebring grafts the Crossfire hood onto a plain-jane 4-door sedan. If the Crossfire had been a reasonable sales success, than there might have been a compelling argument for following suit on this mid-size masterpiece of crap. As it turned out, the Chrysler 2-seater didn't light many fires and the Sebring is following in the same unfortunate footsteps.

A traditional Chrysler grill looking especially plain and uninspired with the ubiquitous teardrop headlamp design found on most every car coming from Asia these days is nothing but common boredom. Robbing the Saturn Ion graveyard for a roof (not to worry, Saturn couldn't sell them either and had plenty to loan Chrysler) was shear laziness.

Hey! Car stylists everywhere! Want to be on the cutting edge of avant car design? Simply add a sweep-spear line to the side bodywork that plunges into the front wheel arch. I mean, if it works for Cadillac, Mercedes, Mazda, et al, than it can work for you, too.

Enhance with a harsh, noisy ride and an interior full of hard plastic with ill-fitting materials and what do you get?

Tah-Dah! The Chrysler Sebring.



Ranked dead last in Consumer Reports compilation of 39 family sedans, this meager challenger in the critical mid-size segment has sold a whopping 34,700 units to date in 2009. Compare that with the 238,000 Camrys told by Toyota and you begin to see what sloppy engineering and deplorable design begets.

This is a godawful situation, and about as comfortable for Chrysler as Hugo Chavez at a Sarah Palin family picnic. How can you succeed as a car manufacturer when your entry in the largest sales segment is woefully inadequate?

All this boils down to one thing. Can Chrysler survive until a competent replacement arrives? Do they even have the talent to do better? We will see.

In the meantime, there aren't enough Frankenstein's shopping Chrysler's dealer lots, and that could spell a funeral pyre in the months ahead.