Bird Droppings are No Laughing Matter

You might find "Tweeble" a humorous, even innocent, cartoon. But bird droppings are one of the most serious setbacks to car-cleaning enthusiasts the world over. Here's why.

Bird poop is literally a chemical cocktail that can seriously damage automobile finishes. Composed of fruit acids, bacteria, urine condensed to white crystals, and intestinal parasites, this deadly combination can begin etching a clear coat finish in as little as 15 seconds! If not promptly dealt with, the harm can be permanent.

There are several suggestions that car-cleaning connoisseurs follow to minimize the catastrophic consequences of a bird dropping incident.

When returning from a drive, even a short jaunt, inspect the car completely for any evidence of "fowl" play. Birds can be quick and crafty. Pay particular attention to the center of the car's roof, as many novice inspectors, especially short ones, overlook this desirable target. A mirror attached to a pole, often sold to airport security for bomb-searching on the underside of trucks, is a perfect addition for the height-impaired. If you discover a dropping, apply copious amounts of cool water from a spray bottle. The object is to soften the stool and prepare it for removal. Follow with a gentle wipe of a lint-free cloth. Never use paper towels as they can scratch the surface of the finish. Saturate and repeat the process until all visible contaminants are removed. You are now prepared for Step Two, neutralization. Many amateurs believe that simply removing the stool is sufficient, but the Ph levels can remain destructively high. One of my favorite neutralization tools is Griot's Car Care "Speed Shine" in a spray bottle. Simply apply to the contaminated area and carefully wipe. Presto, you are good to go.

Even the most seasoned of us has had a bird dropping experience while driving. More terrifying than a high-speed tire blowout, this circumstance requires absolute composure and complete concentration. Just like any accident situation, immediately remove your foot from the accelerator and began to coast towards the right shoulder of the road, or if you are lucky, an immediate exit from an interstate. While time is of the essence, the welfare of passengers takes precedence. Once safely out of traffic's way, assess the situation. If the hit was to the windshield, a very common occurrence, DO NOT apply the wiper wash. That will only spread the contaminant. While the steps outlined above are the preferred antidote, I have witnessed situations where a bird dropping removal kit was absent from the trunk and you must innovate on your own. Purel anti-bacterial waterless hand sanitizer, sodas or beer, even you own urine or saliva will do in a pinch for the stool-softening procedure. Fast food napkins, newspaper, or a sock or t-shirt from your own person can substitute for a lint-free cloth. A thorough and immediate car wash is recommended following the incident.

Of course, there will always be the occasional carpet-bombing of a vehicle. This is a near purposeful vendetta against car owners and, while rare, is a reminder of nature's ferocity and awe. I would like to share with you a picture (above) taken shorty after such an attack. The owner of the Chrysler minivan, Mr. A. Douglas Allison, brought the van to me for an analysis.

I must say I was stumped at first, but The Bristol Stool Scale (a handy reference guide for any bird-dropping expert) identified the culprit as a Laughing Gull (inset). These intelligent birds have an aggressive side to their personality. Mr. Allison's vehicle is a testament to that, as well as to this bird's repeated assaults. Unfortunately, the damage done occurred 24 hours earlier and the minivan will remain forever disfigured. It is a lesson learned for all.

So remember, until we live in a bird-free world, get those droppings addressed as soon as possible... it's no laughing matter.